Friday, October 14, 2005

Forget The Good, Let's Hear The Bad & Ugly

Hi. I'm Satisfied '75. I will be your host while TripleJ is away.
So who would you not like to meet? In many cases the opposite side of the coin is often far more interesting -- and revealing. Here are a few people I would not want to be locked in a room with for an extended period of time. Let’s hear some of yours.
  • Michael JacksonFreeeeaaak show. Close your eyes. Imagine being trapped in said room with Michael when eventually your body must sleep…only to awaken to Jacko sitting Indian-style inches from you while replacing his false nose? Also, is he a Eunuch? Terrifying.
  • Charles Manson – Little guy, yes. But from most accounts I have read, those who have interviewed, or had close proximity to him, have described his presence as pure Evil incarnate. Scared poor Dennis Wilson out of his own home at the height of the Beach Boys fame. Helter Skelter, indeed.
  • Jeffrey Dahmer – Creep out, dude. Top shelf homo-erotic cannibalism. There is just no place for these types....this guy was as sick as a rabid dog. If memory serves me, he was killed in prison shortly after arriving by a fellow inmate.
  • Regis & Kathy Lee (Gifford) – This original television duo could drive any man bat-shit within a single day. Kelly Ripa in Gifford’s stead would be a slight improvement. Slight being the key word here.


At 6:53 PM, Blogger cgpop said...

*Richard Simmons...double AHHHHH
*People who make car commercials
*Barney the Dinosaur
*Tara Reid

At 7:24 PM, Blogger JMH said...

*Bill O'Reilly
*Geraldo Rivera
*Donald Trump
*Paris Hilton
*Danny Bonaduce

At 7:36 PM, Blogger Scrubby Nub and The Bothered Brigade said...

I'm going to second that "Aaahhh" on Oprah. Anyone who reads my blog knows that the very first step was to censor her and break her legs. What a cunt. After her:

Tom Cruise
Karl "Goebbels" Rove
Lindsay Lohan
Bob Barr
Jerry Falwell
Pat Robertson
George Steinbrenner

And more, I'll have to get back to you.

At 12:44 AM, Blogger jsbankston said...

My mother has very off-kilter gay-dar. She is always concluding this person or that person is gay--usually erroneously. And yet a decade ago when she was an avid practitioner of "Sweatin' to the Oldies," she swore up and down that there was no way Richard Simmons could be gay and that rumors to that effect were just trashy lies.

Apparently RS recently went down to see the destruction of his childhood hometown of New Orleans, with film crew in tow. And yes, he wore his shorty shorts and his spangled top.

At 1:01 AM, Anonymous JJones said...

Liza Minelli & David Gest (shudder)
Wilford Brimley (cranky old fart)
Barry Bonds (cheater)
Michael Jackson (Agree he's a FREEEEK)

At 1:54 AM, Blogger jsbankston said...

There are people I'd hate to be caught in a room with and others I'd love to be caught in a room with so I could wring their fucking necks. This list is by no means complete:

+The inventors of the car alarm, the cell phone, urban assault-sized baby carriages, and the leaf blower.

+Pest-gods of late-night TV advertisements, such as the bellowing Billy Mays, the sullen British guy Anthony Sullivan (not to be confused with Andrew Sullivan), those freaky midget twin brother real estate dudes, and that short limey prick (honest Injun, I'm actually a huge Anglophile--I even collect Merchant-Ivory films, fer Chrissakes) with the red suspenders and red bow tie who advertises cookware and always rears back his head and torso before he speaks, then leans forward in his co-host's face, poking at her with his finger and shaking his head from side-to-side in a know-it-all manner.

+Yuppies in general and yuppie salesmen in specific.

+Pretty much all politicians of every party.

+Michael Dell and Bill Gates.

+I offer this next one VERY carefully---I tend to agree with him more often than not, but I loathe the personality and manner of Michael Moore. He reminds me of certain people I argued with in college. And he often attracts people who follow him blindly because 1) he's funny and they aren't, so they admire his quick-wittedness, 2) they don't like to strain their brains by thinking about hard things like politics, so they let Moore think for them. They also tend to be smug and he certainly is. But apart from that, in many ways he's doing an important service, so it's strange having to call him out like this.

+Space does not permit me to list all the actors, actresses, character actors, singers, and bands that grind my gears.

+Any of the bastards who have butchered and aborted the great English language in recent years, through political correctness or just plain stupidity, especially anyone who uses "impact" as a transitive verb, or who engages in obscure, meaningless "business-speak." And a special circle of Hell will be reserved for the cable news reporter who, during the Katrina crisis said, "We heard that there was a gentleman who was stuck in his boat just downstream from us so we are efforting to help rescue agencies to find him." Hanging from the thumbs on piano wire is too kind a fate for the likes of her.

At 2:01 AM, Blogger jsbankston said...

Among my most cherished memories is the TV interview Charlie Manson did with Tom Snyder when I was in high school. That fueled my friends's comedy bits for years and years. I wish I had the transcript.

Likewise Charlie's interview, when I was in college, with Geraldo. The highlight of this was when Geraldo began to get on Charlie's nerves and Charlie asked, "How 'bout I just kick the dog shit outta you?," then made a fake-out lunge. Geraldo jumped back a little, tried to recapture his composure, and said, not too convincingly,"You don't scare me, old man."

At 9:14 AM, Blogger CHW said...

George Bush

At 12:54 PM, Blogger Satisfied '75 said...

I'll raise you one: the Bush administration.

At 1:30 PM, Blogger Luke said...

Should these lists be those we don't want to meet? Or those we want to dope slap? I mean, I do NOT want to meet Charlie Manson but I'd sure like to dope slap Dubya (and I'd like to beat the shit out of Bill O'Reilly). With that in mind...
Keep 'Em Away From Me
* Yeah, Manson
* Osama bin Laden
* Drug dealers in Nuevo Laredo
* Illinois Nazis

Hold 'Em While I Dope Slap 'Em
* Dubya
* Michael Moore (I love putting those next to each other on the list)
* Frank Murkowski (AK Governor)
* People who don't vote
* Charlton Heston
* NYers who think they have a f-ing clue about Alaska
* PETA members

Get A Rope
* Dick Cheney
* Ted Stevens
* Ann Coulter
* Karl Rove

And so on...

At 1:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i agree on nearly everyone of those, especially bankston's spot on take of michael moore, who irritates me to no end mostly because i share his politics...if he were yammering for the other side, like fox news, he wouldn't bug me half as much....i guess that's why i'm drawn to jon stewart and al franken for political/media commentary.

one i disagree on is oprah...i think she's easy to pick on and, though of course there's a constant self-promotional aspect to her show, i think she actually attempts to use it as a platform for some admirable goals...the books for her book club are actually good books, not just someone trying to shill their latest project...she recently had a show about the movie "crash" which i'm glad she highlighted...she gets tom cruise to implode into the nut job we always knew he was...the list of goes on....

At 3:06 PM, Anonymous JJones said...

I want a shot at Coulter before you get her.

At 4:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lynch oprah

At 8:46 PM, Blogger jsbankston said...

Add to my shit list:

+Harry Knowles and his dad, Jay (they are very obnoxious about Harry's fame and influence).

+That shrieking, annoying guy with the suit of question marks who pitches free money programs from the government.

+People who live unexamined lives, who just do what everyone else does because they think that's what they're supposed to do.

+Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and the Rev. Fred Phelps. (Who the fuck told you you represent my God?)

+Conversely, I'm sick of people who are either former adherents of a religion or are strident atheists and feel they must as a result always interject their beliefs or oppositions or lack of beliefs into any conversation, regardless of whether or not it fits in. Yes, there are many people who are obnoxious and pushy about their religion, but that doesn't give you a free pass to be obnoxious about your lack of religion or opposition to religion. Let everybody believe what they want to believe and shut the fuck up already. Penn Jilette, for instance, tends to take this thing overboard, and I might like him better without that. (Basically, I'm not all that crazy about any kind of fanatics.)

+People who are smug or self-righteous.

+People who inflexibly always play by the book.

+People who are cheap. (They always think they're pulling one over on the universe.)

+People with no sense of humor about themselves.

+Anyone who wears so much cologne/perfume that I can smell it across two lanes of traffic and it fucks up my allergies for three days.

+Girls who feel the need to yell "woo hoo" whenever they're drunk and out in public. I just don't get that.

+Ignorant women, or at least, women who are willingly ignorant. I know some think that's an attractive quality, but I don't.

+Men who think with their dicks about every issue, all the time. A few years ago I was about to go out to eat with a friend and he hemmed and hawed about picking a place. He finally suggested Hooters, saying that though the food was crappy, the waitresses were hot. I said, "Fuck that. I'm hungry, and I don't wanna blow $20 on a crappy meal. You ogle titties on your own time."

+Anyone who picks on or takes advantage of the weak or innocent, whether it's an adult that's abusive to a kid, a human that's cruel to an animal, or a rich asshole that's nasty to a poor person. Michael Dell, for instance, likes to bully $2-an-hour waiters in restaurants, to show off his "power" to his staffers. That tells me all I need to know about that guy.

At 8:52 PM, Blogger jsbankston said...

God, how could I have forgotten Tom DeLay? He definitely needs to be sent to prison and made some dude named Malik's bitch.

At 12:32 AM, Blogger Martin McFriend said...

Is this space reserved for just the living? Fucking Joe McCarthy gotta come up on the list. Also, all the dicks in the Spanish inquisition for taking out wizards and witches like it was cool. My ancestors were some crafty dudes to keep hidden from those nefarious finger pointers in glass houses. And zoddamned the cast of the OC, except for Peter Gallagher. Also reality TV personalities. Douche sleds.

Btw, Bankston, don't be so quick to ask for strangulation of Dell and Gates. They are the modern day music makers, the shaman of the tech-dream. Without them, the old arts would remain principio, and you wouldn't be typing your prodigious e-SCUDs.


At 3:21 PM, Blogger JMH said...

You can't mention Dell and Gates without giving Stevie Jobs his due. Jobs and the gods at Apple are truly the gurus when it comes to living the tech filled life. iTunes kills. Now if I just could afford that new iPod.

At 7:46 PM, Blogger jsbankston said...

Okay, I admit I had to look up "yeat."

At 3:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

iTunes iz dopes

At 9:49 AM, Blogger TripleJ said...

Nice list.

I do think there are worlds between a Manson and a Gates. One world, I would never live in AND the other plays good tunes.

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At 3:43 AM, Blogger rokkgod said...

I was surfing around and found another George Bush site.George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People This place has a ton of funny videos and mp3s.


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